February, 2016
Side, Turkey
(pictures by Kavilo Photography)
Here goes. I'm just gonna type now, and keep typing for a while. I'm not at all sure that I have anything to say, but hey - at least my fingers and hands will get some exercise and I will practice typing on a touch screen.
Basically, I am typing because I have a strong longing and an urge to create. I don't know what I want to create. All my life I've felt this drive, but oftentimes when I get started on something, I quickly deem it a failure and abandon it.
Sometimes, I don't even start because I have the fixed idea that my creation needs to be finished in my head first, that only then comes the time to manifest it physically. In short - I have a huge block of rock on my creative road. Another way of putting it is that I am in a desert and can find no water.
This will be an effort to clear through my obstacles and blocks by striking a rock with my staff in order to see if any water comes out. I am going to keep writing with no pauses to facilitate my body to be in the process and keep the exercise from getting "heady".
Also, this will help to keep me from judging the text and deeming it worthless. I want to state out that the single purpose of this text is writing. There is no other motivation, no hopes that this text will turn out unexpectedly good and that something will come out of it. No. I'm not saying that this is not allowed to happen, but I will not let my thoughts go in that direction, because then I will relapse into a "gain-thinking" and will be caught in my old blocks again.
So. Writing is the sole purpose, and therefore I cannot "fail". In your FACE, shame!
Right now, I'm sitting on the floor of a hotel room, ~5km from the costal town of Side, Turkey. Now I'm going to break out of the form starting to settle in my mind regarding what kind of a text this is going to be.
Form definitely can serve a purpose sometimes, but it can also be a suffocating straight jacket keeping the Spirit from blowing freely through all the limbs, as is meant to be.
It's mysterious how sometimes the way toward creative expression can run through practicing a form, mastering it, and then breaking out of it like the butterfly or dragonfly breaks out of its cocoon or exoskeleton. The cocoon is left behind as something old and heavy that has served its purpose (it kept the developing creature sheltered, protected and nourished), as the new form spreads out its wings and flies high in its extatic freedom dance.
Dance can be a form, but can it be the utter absence of form? What about music? What about language?
Rhythm is clearly a form. When rhythm changes, it usually settles into a new form. Does it then go beyond form? Is there any thing really as formlessness? A completely formless rhythm would need to change after every beat and constantly be on guard against any regularity. That sounds kind of stressing, methinks 🤔.
Aren't the creatures all forms? - Consisting of countless little beings co-agreeing on a general purpose, serving their own particular functions and "manning their stations" in that form, giving the impression of a single being.
Like a word uttered by a human voice appears as something "singular", a form, while in fact it is a collection of an almost unimaginable, miraculous collaboration of elements. Nerve cells in the brain sending out and forwarding impulses, lungs pushing out exactly the right amount of air pressure, vocal chords beating together in a precise rhythm, muscle fibers in the tongue, jaws and lips all collaborating. Everything coming together in a magnificent piece of art: the word "Hello".
I wonder now, should I at any point in this process look back upon my text and read what has been written? I don't think there is any should or should not, but I think I do not want to. That could, once again, open the doors of judgement or scrutiny of form-thinking, and the clay could get modelled into too defined a form. No. I'm just gonna flow, and breathe, and enjoy.
Yesterday I realized that dance, play and enjoyment are all "integrating" modes. In them, something happens and the team work of the many beings is suddenly massively better functioning. I had read about this before, and "understood" it in my head, but I had not yet realized it.
In fact, ENJOYMENT being an integrative state was kind of new, even to my head. Enjoyment always seemed like something I must be careful with, perhaps even stay away from, so as not to get impulse-driven.
Isn't dancing a way of being impulse-driven, though?
I mean, when I am dancing to a great, rhythmic piece of music - do I make a rational decision about what my next move is going to be? Well, perhaps when I’m dancing badly. But when I'm in the flow, it is the music that dances me - I just listen to the impulses, love, and let go to the greater!
—
The writing continues again after a short break. My ezer kenegdo wished to move from the hotel room to the beach, and me to join as company. This is a very different place to write from. Very different rhythm from the hotel room.
I've never really enjoyed sitting for long periods in the sun on beaches. It’s always seemed to me that there's something I'm missing in the experience that most other people appear to get and share. I guess one aspect that is relevant is that I've been, and am, quite restless. I notice now, though, that I'm quite ok here writing and listening to music. A lot of judging going on right now, though, that this is crap I'm writing. Ok - so what if it is? The only goal here is writing. I'm succeeding! :) sweet!
So... What now? Am I perhaps done for the moment, thinking that nothing really seems to make its presence known...?
Interestingly, one of the creative blocks I've had is the idea that I don't really have anything to say. Right now, writing, however, I notice that that fear isn’t present. I know I have plenty to write about, because I can always write about what I see, which creates associations which gives rise to thoughts. There is always something that seems to present itself. I've been under the illusion that I have a very poor and dry inner world, but I actually don't believe that anymore.
My ezer kenegdo just asked: "are you going to start a blog?". Am I? I don't know. One of my least favorite things in life is making decisions. I don't know why, there's just something about it that I dislike. I love when life carries me on a wave and I just need to keep my balance and surf along.
For instance, now, if I start thinking of this as a blog I immediately start thinking about the text from the perspectives of other people, and somehow this makes me lose myself. Also, I again start thinking in terms of form, that this text should be this or that, which constricts my creative channel.
I actually prefer right now to just do and be, and do from being. I wish to let this text flow from my being. I hope that that is alright, for now, that I don't make any decisions. I just want to write.
Me and my ezer kenegdo, we've already walked a great distance together, in our soon to be 4 years of marriage and the quite difficult prequel to that. Every day I love her more. She is the second best thing that has happened to me. Yes. Sometimes I say B but not A. This is my text, so I am going to take that liberty. I will take many other liberties as well. Sweet. :P
Yes, well, the writing continues later. Peace!
